27th November

Good news on the health front.  Josie advised that I see the GP regarding the back pain (cancer in bones) and she prescribed high dose steroids.  The effect was immediate!  No pain, no nausea, walking better, no fatigue, but slightly sleepless nights.  It is really remarkable.  It makes me realise how poorly I was before.  We just get used to anything.  Then we saw the beautiful consultant yesterday.  She said I can't stay on the magic pills for long due to side effects so advised some radiotherapy for the back pain.  So I'll give that a go.  
On Tuesday I went to the Macmillan Horizon Centre for a makeover.  There were ten women sitting around the table, each with their own mirror and products, each expensive and free.  I was the eldest by approximately 50 years.  Nearly all were hairless due to chemo.  We had such a good time patting on skin tonic, cleanser, moisturiser, concealer and blusher.  I refused the eye makeup as I thought I'd look bizarre.  The rest was OK and I did not come out looking like a drag queen.  It was such a lovely morning all run by volunteers who were beauticians.  
Today Josie and I are going to buy the stuff to make a Christmas cake.  Stir-up Sunday is approaching. It is a ritual I need to go through as my mother always did.  
Vicky

Steroids are a wonder drug.  No wonder the athletes take them.  Vicky got 117 points for one tern in Scrabble with the word QUERIES for instance.  And we have fast-talking animated discussions all day long.  I will question the sleepless nights with the hospice nurse though and see if we can get away with a slightly smaller dose but I love seeing Vicky with her tremendous sparkle back.
I was dreading Christmas but since Vicky and I have started debating minute details of canapes and what to watch on telly I feel more enthusiastic.  Lots of things are like that, not so daunting when you break them down.  Two out of my four children are on the other side of the world at present which make me feel grateful I didn't stop at two kids.  
I told a lady in the swimming pool that I find the endless rain soothing which is true, but I could see she thought I was being contrary.  I swam in the sea with a friend on Saturday and it was rough and for a second I got terrified, but then I think a bit of terror is good for us all.
Josie

19th November

What with all the kerfuffle over Prince Andrew and his misdemeanours and my addiction to watching The Crown on Netflix, I feel steeped in the machinations of the Royal Family at the moment, having never been that bothered about them before.  There seems to be a sort of emotional paralysis in that family.  They are smiley and warm when meeting strangers and admired for their staying power and stoicism but underneath, do not seem able to let themselves feel much about anything.  Well, that's how it looks as shown on The Crown.  It is really gripping to watch.
I have a lot of arrangements at the moment.  Luckily I have Josie as my PA who deals with it all, so I do not double book as I am inclined to do.  A lot of them are medical things just to keep me intact.  
I had a lovely time in Sandy, Beds visiting my dear brother P, who cooked two gravy dinners and brought me morning tea despite being 92.  Dear sister J was also there and we all read the funny poems we have written to each other over the years which brother P unearthed when moving to Sandy, Beds from Hertfordshire.
Vicky

Just returned from the choir, Aldi and Matalan's with Vick, and now pleased to be home together with avocado on toast, mince pie and a cup of tea.  The fire is on to cover up the deep damp coldness that seeps into our bones.  Even my bed at night feels lukewarm, not hot enough.  I've been busy this past week with doing acupuncture, extinction rebellion stuff and writing a play with my friend T if I'm not with Vicky. 
I've been feeling a bit stronger and more cheerful.   I'm not sure why.  I got in the sea alone again on Saturday; the rain stopped temporarily and the water was flat and the light was purple.  I felt scared as there was no one in sight, but when I got out, a posh gent went and stood and in the water without a wetsuit on.  I spoke to him afterwards and he said he couldn't swim so could not have saved my life anyway, but I prefer going in the water if someone else is there. 
Josie

13 th November

I have taken to going to bed at around 8 pm and getting up at 6 am. This feels deeply right to me at this time of year.  The velvety dark is a comfort in the evenings.  Looking after oneself is a full-time profession, and getting enough sleep is helpful.  Vicky and I are carrying on our routines but I hope I don't encourage her to do too much and she would be happier being more house/bedbound.  We do talk about it a lot.  She has always taught me how to live well.
I did swim in the sea last Saturday morning and it did make me feel happy.  I was alone but the snobby Brighton Swimmers Club were a few metres away.  I was in a wet suit but most of them weren't.  I waved cheerfully but they did not wave back.  They once told me there was a waiting list of over 100 people waiting to join their club.  The sea was flat as a pond, and I saw some unusual birds.  It definitely made me feel alive and better, so I hope to carry on.
Today we are going to do Vick's cupboards, and see the dentist.  Tomorrow we will read Jane Austen.  I love her long complicated sentences and her focus on the tiny slights and annoyances in life, that we are all so sensitive to but rarely discuss in detail.
I do appreciate David Attenborough's new series but it is causing me huge grief due to the effects of climate change.   Nature is not all primroses and otters.  Nature is brutal and frightening at times. Some people hate the music but I don't mind it.
Josie

I am an optimist, which is annoying for some people I know.  I tend to always think that everything is all right really.  Just lately though, I have been a bit downhearted, as I don't like living with such uncertainty.  Sometimes I just feel like crawling into a hole.  
Do I plant the tulip bulbs?  Do I buy some new shoes?  Hardly worth it surely.  Anyway, a dear friend J came round and did the pots for the Spring, and I had an old tatty chair recovered which now looks splendid.
I'm going to stay with brother P in his new home in Sandy, Bedfordshire, tomorrow.  I'm going on the train.  He has just moved house aged ninety-two and a half and there's optimism for you.
Vicky

5th November

It is fireworks day.  I am a real old Scrouge about fireworks.  They frighten dogs and cats and horses and they are a wicked waste of money in my view.  It is particularly nasty in Lewes where they burn effigies of real people and throw bangers in the street.  Whereas our Halloween bonfire in Plumpton was lovely.  Just a few pumpkins and candles, and no bangs at all.
It is 200 years since Keats wrote "Ode to Autumn" after a walk in the watermeadows in Winchester.  I was reading from a book of Keats' letters and realised he was in Winchester for quite a while.  He was staying in College Street where I used to live.  He died two years later in 1821.  I found the letters written so near the end of his life very heart-rending as he was only 25 and he should have had so much ahead of him.  Jane Austen died two years earlier, also in Winchester, but I'm not sure if there was any connection between them.  At least I have lived to a ripe old age, but knowing that one's days are numbered is a sobering thought.
Josie, Rachel and I have been reading "Persuasion" aloud to each other on Thursdays but maybe I have told you that already.
Vicky

I'm trying to make the mundane sacred, inspired by a short meditation I heard recently.  I've always known that enjoying the small details is the secret to a happy life but lately I'd rather forgotten how to feel it.  Talking of which I've just scoffed two and a half buttery crumpets and several cups of tea while dusk falls outside.   
One of my daily pleasures is swimming early in the morning.  I see the same people on most days but we do not speak.  I know them and I don't know them.  It is terrible if we bump into each other by accident.  I stay in the water for exactly half an hour.  The hot shower afterwards is bliss, like the hot coffee after our choir.
I read about minor royals like Princess Beatrice in Hello magazine yesterday when I took Vicky to the hospital for her blood test.  The time passed in a flash.
I'm writing about Vicky and my time together in more detail in another diary, which makes me question what I say and don't say on this blog.  It's actually quite hard to write this blog, without upsetting anyone, but not wanting to appear too bland.  I still think it is a good idea for updates about Vicky's health, but am open to suggestions if more details are needed.
Josie

31 st October

I have had a dearth of good novels lately, which makes life grim.  I have given up on several, which is always disspiriting.  Like how one feels disappointed with a tepid bath, or a favourite pair of shoes with a hole in.  However, just last night I started The Confession, by Jessie Burton, which has drawn me in already.
I love being outside even more than usual in this season and have done some long walks with various members of my family.  I have been given a super new bike, which I can even attempt slopes on, and it has a splendid basket.  I set off along the seafront to cycle to a house boat in Shoreham, but got terribly wet inthe rain.  The houseboat was a converted ferry, which reminded me of the old IOW ones.  The sitting room was so wide and comfortable, and the bedroom was upstairs in the bit where the captain would drive. It was inspiring and I felt in touch with the elements there.
I may start sea swimming this winter as I have a wetsuit.  I've heard it is good for anticipated grief.  
Josie

It is busy here in Ditchling at the moment, as family from the north east with three beautiful small boys, are here for half term and are staying in the High Street.  My deafness is at its very worst in large groups and I keep guessing what people are saying and getting it wrong, especially with the children.  I have this irrational anxiety about feeding them all.  I worry about them being hungry.  Is this some primeval instinct I wonder. 
Today is the dreaded Halloween.  The boys are dressed in skeleton outfits.  We never did this in the old days, or trick and treats.  It was just toffee apples on sticks.  We had a good time carving lanterns though, and I made some tasty soup with the innards.
My home improvements have come to nought.  The kitchen man never came back.  The handyman said he would return at the end of November.  I bought a new fridge.  Otherwise I will just continue just the same I suppose.
Vicky

22 nd October

Went to see the fantastic film "Judy" last week, about the legend Judy Garland.  I wept several times during the film and thought she was well played by Renee Zellweger.  She was a complex, tragic and lovable character, and I have a photo of her on my bathroom wall.  The sad fact I realised was that there is no over the rainbow, there is just a yellow brick road.  Life is suffering as the Buddhists say.
Sometimes everything goes wrong all at once, and I won't go into personal details, but it has definitely been one of those times.  The most cheerful thing around is my cross cat who bites us at every opportunity.  The other good news is that Vicky is looking fine.  I think the Letrozole is working. 
Josie

Son T from Penang came to stay with me for two nights.  We played three games of Scrabble which he won.  He did the Guardian prize cryptic in half an hour which I had been struggling with for days.  He went for a muddy walk up the beacon with Josie and R and came home soaked to the bone.  We had good chats.  We enjoyed it all.  
I am fired up with doing home improvements at the moment. I worry that my home is getting run down like old peoples' homes often do, and the family won't be able to sell it when I depart, so I have been getting in handymen.  I did consider having a completely new kitchen because the fridge/freezer suddenly packed up, but in the end, it seemed easier to buy a new one online.  It is so difficult to plan ahead.  A 94-year old that I meet at the hospice every week has been living with a terminal diagnosis for ten years.
Vicky

15 th October

Last week we suddenly felt we were doing too much.  At Qi Gong Vick kept falling asleep.
The next day we decided to read Persuasion by Jane Austen aloud to eachother.  That felt like a great thing to do with the damp cold weather outside. I have never read Jane Austen, and we can discuss and clarify each page as we go which is an added bonus.. 
I wonder if we could take up embroidery next.  I need to learn to sit down more.

Every day Vick and I write a to do list and it is always complicated. e.g.
Phone handyman re skirting boards
Phone OT re trolley (use buzz words like balance and falls)
Change library books
Empty compost bucket
Go to chemist for anti itch cream
Go to post office; send baby congrat card
Waitrose; (want to try Jamie's meat free recipes; buy mustard seeds)

There are so many lovely people about who pop in too, and many interesting conversations to be had.  
On Saturday night I went back to the Royal Free Hospital in Hampstead for my 30 year nurses reunion.  I thought everyone looked much better now than they did aged 19, like good wine, improved with age.  I marched in the rain along Oxford Street with Extinction Rebellion too, but whether that did any good, I do not know. 
Josie

We have a new Darling in the family, my fifth great grandson. I am a supporter of Extinction Rebellion, which is a bit hypocritical since I have done so much to overpopulate the planet.  He is warmly welcomed by me however and I hope to see him soon. 
There have been many jobs in my bungalow waiting for years to be dealt with, like gaps in the skirting boards, bookcases not fixed to the wall, broken clocks and chairs needing upholsterers. Lately I have felt I want to pass it on in good nick which is totally barmy.  On Monday the handyman and the upholsterer turned up at the same time as an OT person to assess my mobility.  She filled in a huge yellow file dealing with every aspect of my health and strength and then asked me if there was anything I would like.   "A little trolley perhaps?"  "Oh no it might catch on the rugs and trip you up", she said.
I felt so sorry for our 92 year old Queen as I watched the state opening of parliament yesterday.  There she was loaded with jewels, in a scratchy sparkly dress, making a speech she may not agree with at all.
I wonder if she longs to tell Boris to tuck his shirt in his trousers and brush his hair.  
The over zealous cleaners dislodged the stuffing in the holes by the back door.  Oh dear the nightly invasion of slugs are back.  They have been eagerly waiting for this.  Back to the nightly patrols.
Vicky