27th December

What a strange 24 hours this has been.  I ended up spending the end of Christmas Day in the A and E of the Royal Sussex Hospital.  This was grim at first with smells of wee and pools on the floor and someone vomiting into a washing up bowl.  But then Josie and I were shifted to trolleys in another area and spent a restless night.  Opposite us was a prisoner shackled to two guards.  He had taken an overdose and claimed he was a serial killer but was that true?
The reason for my admission was that I had severe pain in my back and hip and I lost the use of my right leg for a bit.  There is a danger of cord compression causing paralysis and incontinence so I had an urgent MRI scan which showed progression of the bone cancer which needs radiotherapy.  Now on Level 9 of the new block which is wonderful -NHS at its best.  Very quiet, well-staffed- such kindness.  I really love it and am in no hurry to go home.
Vicky

I had a sense of impending doom from Sunday.  It's a terrible thing to know too much.  Poor Vick didn't want to go to A and E, and I associate that place with patients' pain and distress from working there.  But after a calm Christmas Eve with a fine salmon dinner and mulled cider, and a civilised Quaker breakfast and comfortable time in Ditchling on Christmas Day, we had to go there.
However, amidst the grubby chairs, yellow bins, cups of weak tea, and confused old ladies I am so warmed by the staff here, some of whom I know.  It feels like the NHS is holding us, which is a great comfort, and it sounds like we caught the cord compression just in time.  
This blog was written on scraps of paper in the ward, and we later saw OT, physio, pharmacist, oncology team, and one of my palliative consultant colleagues.  We were sent home after Vick got tattooed for her radiotherapy, and arrived back to my house bursting with people, where we had a lovely party.  The only hiccup was a journey back to the ward late at night to collect Vick's medications which are getting increasingly complicated.  She is now back in Ditchling with my daughter Millie staying.
Josie

23rd December

I love this time of year, Point Zero.  I pranced around at dawn to the bagpipes in Lewes on the winter solstice.  We lit a fire, sang rounds and drank mead.  I'm such a crusty hippy at heart.
I've been reading Anne Tyler books voraciously and love the detail about lovable but flawed characters.  She is a genius.  Danny and I have been lighting the wood burner and talking to each other a lot more now that our children are largely independent. Hot water bottles are an endless boost. I am enjoying drinking a glass of wine in the evenings, and in January I will drink nothing alcoholic.
I am often worried about Vick's pain and keep tweaking her drugs like I used to with my hospital patients, as it is so important to have complex cancer pain under control.  I wish they would get on with the MRI scan and a blast of radiotherapy, as that would definitely help.  I liaise with the GP and hospice nurse a lot and we are all on the same hymn sheet.
Josie

There have been a few comments after my last entry about the names of cats and dogs.  We missed out Pudding, Percy, and Bradley Wiggins.  Percy (or Percil) was an unusually large white cat who would sit by the phone when I was out, hoping to hear my voice on the answerphone.  Next time I lie awake I will think about other people's pets.  
The plan for Christmas Day is as follows.  We are all having a shared breakfast at the Quakers followed by Meeting.  Then back to my little place to open our presents and eat the vegan canapes from Waitrose.  And some bubbly stuff.  Play a few games.  Watch the Queen, although what she's going to say goodness knows.  Then the family will clear off and I am looking forward to a quiet evening watching Gavin and Stacey and eating scrambled egg on toast.  What bliss.  Hope it doesn't all go wrong and I end up in A and E.
Vicky

17 th December

Just returned from a morning improv session with a log fire and lovely nibbles for lunch. I felt dreadful as I forgot to collect my friend on the way, but he got there in the end anyway.  The secret with Christmas is to take one day at a time I reckon and have very low expectations, but we have been having nice times so far.  The solstice is this weekend, and all these days are Christmas really, not just 25th.  Having a sabbatical has given me a lot more space in my brain, and I can get interested in things right under my nose, which I had taken for granted before. 
I haven't had any inspirational ideas about food or presents this year, but have bought a few people saunas, in a little wooden horsebox on Brighton beach, where there are essential oils and herbs, and little felt hats to wear like you do in Finland. 
My pathetic Christmas tree looks happier and we collected some greenery from the woods.
Josie

I seem to have developed an addiction to mince pies.  I keep buying them from various shops to compare them then eat them.  They are delicious but it is having a bad effect on my waistline.
I went on a splendid day at the Wellbeing Centre at the hospice on Friday.  Panto in the morning (three professional actors, absolutely brilliant).  Then a slap-up Christmas dinner with lashings of bread sauce and gravy.  In the afternoon a choir sang to us and we joined in with the carols. Tea and Christmas cake was beautifully served by volunteers. I was overwhelmed.
Sleep has deserted me at the moment. No doubt due to the steroids. I lie awake in my comfortable bed making mental lists of all the animals that I have kept, or the dodgy cars I have driven.  There was Peggy, Lucy, Brian, Shirley, Daphne, Knocker and so many others.  The time passes quite quickly.
Vicky

10th December

I wrote my Christmas cards yesterday and I love doing them after all.  A handyman came yesterday and fixed my tottery bookshelves which had been worrying me for some time.  I had to take all the books out and they always multiply when you move them.  They were all over the place.  When it came to putting them back I decided to declutter and take the ones to the charity shop that no longer give me joy, which was about half of them.  I kept most of the poetry, however, except the old ones such as Pope and Milton.  
I've decided to only give Christmas presents that can be eaten, bathed in, or applied to the face and body.  In other words, consumables.  I have bought a lot of chocolate.  
I'm still in a bit of a Funny State on the steroids although the dose is now being reduced.  I see the world through rose-coloured spectacles and feel well and pain-free.  It is particularly good at the moment with the election coming up.  
Vicky


I am doomed when it comes to Christmas trees.  I actually love them but have had terrible disagreements over size and shape over the years with my partner, and feel like somehow we have never got it right.  I get Christmas Tree envy when I walk down my road and see pristine ones.
I bought one in a pot from Aldi last year for £14.99 and grew emotionally attached to it over the year in a pot in my front garden, watering it only with rainwater and experimenting with differing positions.  I repotted it and bought ericaceous soil for it.  Then I brought it in and specially bought new lights and baubles from Habitat.  But it droops over sadly and looks pathetic.  Vick says it looks woebegone.  It is much too small for its big pot.
I am continuing the sea swimming and it is helping me a lot.  I have also joined a drumming band which has always been a secret ambition of mine.  I remember as a child longing to be a majorette or one of those drummers with sticks under their noses.  This group is more of a wild samba rhythm but it is good for lifting the energy.  
Josie

4th December

The effect of the steroids is quite extraordinary.  Apart from the decrease in various symptoms, they have made me extremely cheerful and I look upon the world with new eyes.  Also, I have my appetite back and am eating like a horse.  I can even face broccoli and avocados again.
I went to a live performance from The National Theatre at the beautiful cinema in Lewes yesterday.  Present Laughter by Noel Coward.  Such clever writing, and an amazing performance by Andrew Scott who was in Fleabag.  I regret to say that I dropped off once or twice but I enjoyed it immensely all the same.
I'm just about to start on the Christmas cards.  In fact, I really do like doing it, as I like to think it is sending a blessing, even ones to the neighbours who I see every day.  We all send them to each other in Dumbrells Court.
Vicky


Vicky is so great to be with as she finds everything wonderful and euphoric.  If only we could all be like that.  It's so infectious.  Her kitchen that she did think needed a makeover, she now finds totally luxurious.  She is happy with her new drug regime.
Since our last post, we have been to Winchester and had long talks about its personality, and the contrasts between Winchester and Brighton.
Last Friday, we ran a free market in Brighton, where we gave clothes and books away for free as a protest against Black Friday.  Everyone was pleased donating and collecting stuff, as we all have so much stuff.  There were some good quality items and a gift-wrapping service and it reminded me that the dreaded Christmas is just all about kindness really.  It was a lovely chaotic event and I had good conversations with people.  The news about climate change is so bleak though, and I hope these protests make a difference.  Even if they don't I have met some good people through XR.  
 I also rushed into the sea on a calm day with Extinction Rebellion where we lay like synchronised swimmers making the hourglass logo.  We held each other's feet and looked up at the bright blue sky above.  The sea was like a milky lake and I felt happy.  Life feels vivid and fragile at the moment.
Josie

27th November

Good news on the health front.  Josie advised that I see the GP regarding the back pain (cancer in bones) and she prescribed high dose steroids.  The effect was immediate!  No pain, no nausea, walking better, no fatigue, but slightly sleepless nights.  It is really remarkable.  It makes me realise how poorly I was before.  We just get used to anything.  Then we saw the beautiful consultant yesterday.  She said I can't stay on the magic pills for long due to side effects so advised some radiotherapy for the back pain.  So I'll give that a go.  
On Tuesday I went to the Macmillan Horizon Centre for a makeover.  There were ten women sitting around the table, each with their own mirror and products, each expensive and free.  I was the eldest by approximately 50 years.  Nearly all were hairless due to chemo.  We had such a good time patting on skin tonic, cleanser, moisturiser, concealer and blusher.  I refused the eye makeup as I thought I'd look bizarre.  The rest was OK and I did not come out looking like a drag queen.  It was such a lovely morning all run by volunteers who were beauticians.  
Today Josie and I are going to buy the stuff to make a Christmas cake.  Stir-up Sunday is approaching. It is a ritual I need to go through as my mother always did.  
Vicky

Steroids are a wonder drug.  No wonder the athletes take them.  Vicky got 117 points for one tern in Scrabble with the word QUERIES for instance.  And we have fast-talking animated discussions all day long.  I will question the sleepless nights with the hospice nurse though and see if we can get away with a slightly smaller dose but I love seeing Vicky with her tremendous sparkle back.
I was dreading Christmas but since Vicky and I have started debating minute details of canapes and what to watch on telly I feel more enthusiastic.  Lots of things are like that, not so daunting when you break them down.  Two out of my four children are on the other side of the world at present which make me feel grateful I didn't stop at two kids.  
I told a lady in the swimming pool that I find the endless rain soothing which is true, but I could see she thought I was being contrary.  I swam in the sea with a friend on Saturday and it was rough and for a second I got terrified, but then I think a bit of terror is good for us all.
Josie

19th November

What with all the kerfuffle over Prince Andrew and his misdemeanours and my addiction to watching The Crown on Netflix, I feel steeped in the machinations of the Royal Family at the moment, having never been that bothered about them before.  There seems to be a sort of emotional paralysis in that family.  They are smiley and warm when meeting strangers and admired for their staying power and stoicism but underneath, do not seem able to let themselves feel much about anything.  Well, that's how it looks as shown on The Crown.  It is really gripping to watch.
I have a lot of arrangements at the moment.  Luckily I have Josie as my PA who deals with it all, so I do not double book as I am inclined to do.  A lot of them are medical things just to keep me intact.  
I had a lovely time in Sandy, Beds visiting my dear brother P, who cooked two gravy dinners and brought me morning tea despite being 92.  Dear sister J was also there and we all read the funny poems we have written to each other over the years which brother P unearthed when moving to Sandy, Beds from Hertfordshire.
Vicky

Just returned from the choir, Aldi and Matalan's with Vick, and now pleased to be home together with avocado on toast, mince pie and a cup of tea.  The fire is on to cover up the deep damp coldness that seeps into our bones.  Even my bed at night feels lukewarm, not hot enough.  I've been busy this past week with doing acupuncture, extinction rebellion stuff and writing a play with my friend T if I'm not with Vicky. 
I've been feeling a bit stronger and more cheerful.   I'm not sure why.  I got in the sea alone again on Saturday; the rain stopped temporarily and the water was flat and the light was purple.  I felt scared as there was no one in sight, but when I got out, a posh gent went and stood and in the water without a wetsuit on.  I spoke to him afterwards and he said he couldn't swim so could not have saved my life anyway, but I prefer going in the water if someone else is there. 
Josie

13 th November

I have taken to going to bed at around 8 pm and getting up at 6 am. This feels deeply right to me at this time of year.  The velvety dark is a comfort in the evenings.  Looking after oneself is a full-time profession, and getting enough sleep is helpful.  Vicky and I are carrying on our routines but I hope I don't encourage her to do too much and she would be happier being more house/bedbound.  We do talk about it a lot.  She has always taught me how to live well.
I did swim in the sea last Saturday morning and it did make me feel happy.  I was alone but the snobby Brighton Swimmers Club were a few metres away.  I was in a wet suit but most of them weren't.  I waved cheerfully but they did not wave back.  They once told me there was a waiting list of over 100 people waiting to join their club.  The sea was flat as a pond, and I saw some unusual birds.  It definitely made me feel alive and better, so I hope to carry on.
Today we are going to do Vick's cupboards, and see the dentist.  Tomorrow we will read Jane Austen.  I love her long complicated sentences and her focus on the tiny slights and annoyances in life, that we are all so sensitive to but rarely discuss in detail.
I do appreciate David Attenborough's new series but it is causing me huge grief due to the effects of climate change.   Nature is not all primroses and otters.  Nature is brutal and frightening at times. Some people hate the music but I don't mind it.
Josie

I am an optimist, which is annoying for some people I know.  I tend to always think that everything is all right really.  Just lately though, I have been a bit downhearted, as I don't like living with such uncertainty.  Sometimes I just feel like crawling into a hole.  
Do I plant the tulip bulbs?  Do I buy some new shoes?  Hardly worth it surely.  Anyway, a dear friend J came round and did the pots for the Spring, and I had an old tatty chair recovered which now looks splendid.
I'm going to stay with brother P in his new home in Sandy, Bedfordshire, tomorrow.  I'm going on the train.  He has just moved house aged ninety-two and a half and there's optimism for you.
Vicky

5th November

It is fireworks day.  I am a real old Scrouge about fireworks.  They frighten dogs and cats and horses and they are a wicked waste of money in my view.  It is particularly nasty in Lewes where they burn effigies of real people and throw bangers in the street.  Whereas our Halloween bonfire in Plumpton was lovely.  Just a few pumpkins and candles, and no bangs at all.
It is 200 years since Keats wrote "Ode to Autumn" after a walk in the watermeadows in Winchester.  I was reading from a book of Keats' letters and realised he was in Winchester for quite a while.  He was staying in College Street where I used to live.  He died two years later in 1821.  I found the letters written so near the end of his life very heart-rending as he was only 25 and he should have had so much ahead of him.  Jane Austen died two years earlier, also in Winchester, but I'm not sure if there was any connection between them.  At least I have lived to a ripe old age, but knowing that one's days are numbered is a sobering thought.
Josie, Rachel and I have been reading "Persuasion" aloud to each other on Thursdays but maybe I have told you that already.
Vicky

I'm trying to make the mundane sacred, inspired by a short meditation I heard recently.  I've always known that enjoying the small details is the secret to a happy life but lately I'd rather forgotten how to feel it.  Talking of which I've just scoffed two and a half buttery crumpets and several cups of tea while dusk falls outside.   
One of my daily pleasures is swimming early in the morning.  I see the same people on most days but we do not speak.  I know them and I don't know them.  It is terrible if we bump into each other by accident.  I stay in the water for exactly half an hour.  The hot shower afterwards is bliss, like the hot coffee after our choir.
I read about minor royals like Princess Beatrice in Hello magazine yesterday when I took Vicky to the hospital for her blood test.  The time passed in a flash.
I'm writing about Vicky and my time together in more detail in another diary, which makes me question what I say and don't say on this blog.  It's actually quite hard to write this blog, without upsetting anyone, but not wanting to appear too bland.  I still think it is a good idea for updates about Vicky's health, but am open to suggestions if more details are needed.
Josie

31 st October

I have had a dearth of good novels lately, which makes life grim.  I have given up on several, which is always disspiriting.  Like how one feels disappointed with a tepid bath, or a favourite pair of shoes with a hole in.  However, just last night I started The Confession, by Jessie Burton, which has drawn me in already.
I love being outside even more than usual in this season and have done some long walks with various members of my family.  I have been given a super new bike, which I can even attempt slopes on, and it has a splendid basket.  I set off along the seafront to cycle to a house boat in Shoreham, but got terribly wet inthe rain.  The houseboat was a converted ferry, which reminded me of the old IOW ones.  The sitting room was so wide and comfortable, and the bedroom was upstairs in the bit where the captain would drive. It was inspiring and I felt in touch with the elements there.
I may start sea swimming this winter as I have a wetsuit.  I've heard it is good for anticipated grief.  
Josie

It is busy here in Ditchling at the moment, as family from the north east with three beautiful small boys, are here for half term and are staying in the High Street.  My deafness is at its very worst in large groups and I keep guessing what people are saying and getting it wrong, especially with the children.  I have this irrational anxiety about feeding them all.  I worry about them being hungry.  Is this some primeval instinct I wonder. 
Today is the dreaded Halloween.  The boys are dressed in skeleton outfits.  We never did this in the old days, or trick and treats.  It was just toffee apples on sticks.  We had a good time carving lanterns though, and I made some tasty soup with the innards.
My home improvements have come to nought.  The kitchen man never came back.  The handyman said he would return at the end of November.  I bought a new fridge.  Otherwise I will just continue just the same I suppose.
Vicky

22 nd October

Went to see the fantastic film "Judy" last week, about the legend Judy Garland.  I wept several times during the film and thought she was well played by Renee Zellweger.  She was a complex, tragic and lovable character, and I have a photo of her on my bathroom wall.  The sad fact I realised was that there is no over the rainbow, there is just a yellow brick road.  Life is suffering as the Buddhists say.
Sometimes everything goes wrong all at once, and I won't go into personal details, but it has definitely been one of those times.  The most cheerful thing around is my cross cat who bites us at every opportunity.  The other good news is that Vicky is looking fine.  I think the Letrozole is working. 
Josie

Son T from Penang came to stay with me for two nights.  We played three games of Scrabble which he won.  He did the Guardian prize cryptic in half an hour which I had been struggling with for days.  He went for a muddy walk up the beacon with Josie and R and came home soaked to the bone.  We had good chats.  We enjoyed it all.  
I am fired up with doing home improvements at the moment. I worry that my home is getting run down like old peoples' homes often do, and the family won't be able to sell it when I depart, so I have been getting in handymen.  I did consider having a completely new kitchen because the fridge/freezer suddenly packed up, but in the end, it seemed easier to buy a new one online.  It is so difficult to plan ahead.  A 94-year old that I meet at the hospice every week has been living with a terminal diagnosis for ten years.
Vicky

15 th October

Last week we suddenly felt we were doing too much.  At Qi Gong Vick kept falling asleep.
The next day we decided to read Persuasion by Jane Austen aloud to eachother.  That felt like a great thing to do with the damp cold weather outside. I have never read Jane Austen, and we can discuss and clarify each page as we go which is an added bonus.. 
I wonder if we could take up embroidery next.  I need to learn to sit down more.

Every day Vick and I write a to do list and it is always complicated. e.g.
Phone handyman re skirting boards
Phone OT re trolley (use buzz words like balance and falls)
Change library books
Empty compost bucket
Go to chemist for anti itch cream
Go to post office; send baby congrat card
Waitrose; (want to try Jamie's meat free recipes; buy mustard seeds)

There are so many lovely people about who pop in too, and many interesting conversations to be had.  
On Saturday night I went back to the Royal Free Hospital in Hampstead for my 30 year nurses reunion.  I thought everyone looked much better now than they did aged 19, like good wine, improved with age.  I marched in the rain along Oxford Street with Extinction Rebellion too, but whether that did any good, I do not know. 
Josie

We have a new Darling in the family, my fifth great grandson. I am a supporter of Extinction Rebellion, which is a bit hypocritical since I have done so much to overpopulate the planet.  He is warmly welcomed by me however and I hope to see him soon. 
There have been many jobs in my bungalow waiting for years to be dealt with, like gaps in the skirting boards, bookcases not fixed to the wall, broken clocks and chairs needing upholsterers. Lately I have felt I want to pass it on in good nick which is totally barmy.  On Monday the handyman and the upholsterer turned up at the same time as an OT person to assess my mobility.  She filled in a huge yellow file dealing with every aspect of my health and strength and then asked me if there was anything I would like.   "A little trolley perhaps?"  "Oh no it might catch on the rugs and trip you up", she said.
I felt so sorry for our 92 year old Queen as I watched the state opening of parliament yesterday.  There she was loaded with jewels, in a scratchy sparkly dress, making a speech she may not agree with at all.
I wonder if she longs to tell Boris to tuck his shirt in his trousers and brush his hair.  
The over zealous cleaners dislodged the stuffing in the holes by the back door.  Oh dear the nightly invasion of slugs are back.  They have been eagerly waiting for this.  Back to the nightly patrols.
Vicky

8th October

On Saturday afternoon, I suffered a touch of the melancholy.  I felt listless and not sure what to do.  I had hoovered the stairs.  I had finished my book.  There was nothing on the telly.  Everyone was out, and the cat looked at me crossly.  I spoke to Vicky on the phone.  Then I went to bed early.
I slept well and dreamt vividly about my grandmother, Vicky's mum.  She was alive and well and had a gold ring through her nose.  She had an Interflora business under her stairs.  I woke up feeling slightly better and stomped up to my allotment.  I wondered if the plants there were as pleased to see me as I was to see them.  Lots of muddy produce at this time of year.  I made some chutney when I got home and a stodgy apple cake.  I took it up to London yesterday to give to the Extinction Rebellion protesters.  The apple cake made conversation difficult as it gummed up the teeth.
Josie

I have a fear of large plates of food these days.  I'm sure there is a name for this condition.  Queasiphobia perhaps? I have gone off lots of food lately, like broccoli, Waitrose quiche, and crisps.  It's very odd.  And the worst one is alcohol in any form.  No G and T with nibbles at 6pm as I used to enjoy in an unquakerly fashion.
I am reading The Diary of a Bookseller by Shaun Bythell which has made me feel better about buying books from Amazon occasionally as apparently, they use small independent bookshops to source their secondhand copies of books.  I had a lovely poetry book for my birthday called The River in the Sky by Clive James.  It takes the form of one long poem and is described as taking him on a  "grand tour of the fragile treasures of his life".  Which is a bit like the play we did in the pub a couple of weeks ago.
  Two songs at the choir yesterday made both Josie and me cry.  I don't know why.  One was about the trees reaching down into the dark earth, and the other was; The migration of birds, a nation of outstretched wings.
Vicky

1 st October

Although I do acupuncture all day Mondays, for the rest of the week I can now settle into more focus on the minutiae of domestic life.  I can hang out with Vicky for the good times and not just the medical appointments.  I can do admin tasks promptly. I can choose to make a cake and buy complicated ingredients.  I can hoover my stairs whenever I get the urge, and have porridge with one friend or sit in a field with another.  I can look after my foreign students better.  I am diligently getting up early and swimming most days as I don't want to Let Myself Go.  I am like those retired people who talk about how busy they are all the time.  I aim to recycle more, and live better, but not spend much money.  If Vicky stays stable I will join the extinction rebellion protests about climate change for a day in London, but I will NOT get arrested.  That would not be wise.

Josie

I am sad that I have got to the age of 89 without ever having been aware of Derbyshire before.  It is a dramatically beautiful place with towering cliffs and wooded valleys, natural springs and spas all over the place.  We stayed in a luxurious spa hotel, a bargain midweek offer.  When setting off for home along the M1,  Josie banned me from touching the Sat Nav. It was only when we passed Swiss Cottage that we realised we were being taken through central London.  Josie drove calmly past Buckingham Palace, Marble Arch, Hyde Park Corner and Park Lane without turning a hair.  It was a real treat for me.  I never thought I would see those places again.  More interesting than the M25.

Sister J gave me a book called The Poetry Pharmacy.  It has a poem for every sort of calamity or just to refresh your spirits.

In the words of Alan Bennett

"The best moments in reading are when you come across something- a thought, a feeling, or a way of looking at things - which you had thought special and particular to you.  Now here it is, set down by someone else, a person you have never met.  And it is as if a hand has come out and taken yours. "

Vicky

26th September

Josie and I are away this week on what we grandly call our road trip.
We went first to Ely. We both wanted to look at the cathedral and it was just as extraordinarily beautiful as I remembered it. We stayed at a nearby pub which was comfortable in a ramshackle way. We went to see my oldest friend. We met when we were three. We hadn’t met for many years.  Just had long phone calls.  Then on to my dear sister J near Newcastle. We whizzed up and down the A1M like real truckers. I am lethal with the sat nav. I only have to touch it and it goes haywire. I put in the wrong postcodes sometimes.  Josie had to confiscate it in the end.
On our way home today from ravishing Derbyshire.
Vicky


The play went well. I get a warm feeling when I think of it as it was well put together by our friend T.  Perhaps we will start a trend for families to put on plays about relatives lives. Why not?
I am sitting in a twin bed next to my mum in a hotel in Derbyshire. I have just drunk a complimentary decaf coffee and eaten a shortbread biscuit. We are watching Highland Midwives on the telly.  There's a pool outside fed by a natural spring I can swim in.  Hooray.  It's good to swim after being crumpled in the car, but I don't mind driving.  
Vicky’s childhood friend who we visited yesterday was resilient and stoical as children of the 1930s seem to be. I wonder what my generation will be like when we are old.  Much more scruffy I suspect. With no milk jugs or toast racks or coasters under our mugs.  I loved finding out minor details about my grandparents that only family friends would notice.
Josie

19th September

My last day in the hospital yesterday before my six-month career break.  My team gave me a good sendoff. I walked mindfully down the corridors saying hello and goodbye to everyone I know and even felt fond of the depressing lifts. Most of the wards are full of such poorly patients, with tubes in every orifice and barely enough nurses to keep them safe. The NHS staff are generally incredible I think, as an army for good. But that hospital is a hard place and sometimes I cannot stand another moment of the suffering. Our work gives us status though and fills our days and I wonder what will become of me.  My priorities are Vick, Tiger, cleaning, admin, reading, writing.  And as long as Vick feels well, trips to the library, choir, improv, nibbles n scribbles, friends and Qi Gong.  And lots of chatting.

Josie

 I am reading mostly thrillers and detective stories at the moment which I get from the Library:  I rediscovered some written by P.D. James which I hadn`t read before and also I was lucky to find a Donna Leon as yet unread. I love her books, always set in Venice with a wonderfully erudite policeman called Brunetti and descriptions of delicious Italian meals cooked by his wife Paola.

These golden September days are truly amazing - the season of mists and mellow fruitfulness, what a good phrase, I wish I had thought of that one.  We now have a new animal in the family.  Granddaughter M now has a grey horse called Prince.  He is to be seen contentedly munching grass in a field in Plumpton so I waved to him as I was driven to the choir yesterday.

I am feeling quite perky today and did not slink back into bed after breakfast for a bit as I do sometimes.  All the loving thoughts and healing vibes are working so thanks for them.

Vicky

12 th September

I got lost in the labyrinthine ways of the Royal Sussex Hospital.  I had an appointment at 4 o'clock last Sunday afternoon for an MRI.  Different from the CT scan I had before apparently.  Josie dropped me off to park the car, then I wandered about looking for the right department in a Kafkaesque kind of way.  Everywhere was deserted.  I was rescued by Josie and taken to the right place in the end.  I was shunted into a white plastic sarcophagus and the radiographer clapped some earphones on me and said: "Want some music?"
I said primly "only classical.  I don't listen to pop."
"Not much of that I'm afraid" she sniffed
But then I lay for 40 minutes listening to a Mozart piano concerto and Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata, interspersed with loud screeches and thumps from the machine.
I don't know the results yet.
We are busy rehearsing the play which is being performed in a pub in Brighton on 22nd September.
I fear that no one will come but I am always like that.
I will be glad when it's over and I can start worrying about something else.
Vicky


I have just finished a book called The Last Tudor, about all the three Grey sisters.  Those Tudor women had a rotton time of it, but I can't help envying them not having to worry about climate change.  Elizabeth 1st sounded difficult but charismatic, and charisma goes a long way.  I'm going to read Clock Dance by Anne Tyler next, who is always good although nothing much happens.
I will enjoy being a driver for Vicky. I have always liked driving.  My sabbatical starts next Wednesday and I wonder how it will be.  I am a planner but cannot particularly plan at the moment.  I will have a Japanese boy and a Chilean girl as lodgers living here as well as Tiger in her last year of school, and I will still do acupuncture all day Monday so perhaps I will not be too idle.  I have got a Macmillan booklet called "Looking after a person with cancer."  I want to read it all properly and do everything they tell me.
Josie

5th September

The rehearsals for the play of Vicky's life are going well, and I think it will be entertaining.  All lives are interesting and I think it is a Good Thing To Do, even though Vick is worried it is an ego trip.  I am feeling a bit overwhelmed with work and just too many arrangements, but as my six-month career break draws nearer I am hoping there will somehow be space, and time with Vicky and some sense of quality of life for both of us.  However, no one knows how it will all pan out for any of us, so we will take it day by day.  
I love this golden light and chilly mornings.  I saw the new Tarantino film the other day and hated it generally.  The only good thing was the details about America in the 1970s as I liked the clothes and the font on the tins in the cupboard etc.  The plot seemed most dull to me, and the characters not well rounded.  I always love going to the cinema though, just for the velvet seat and the popcorn, and the adverts and trailers and big screen. It is so exciting.
Josie

Yesterday I had a lovely day meeting up with some of my old Winchester friends many of whom lived at the Meeting House fifteen or more years ago, including five children and a baby also dear Russian granny came too.    We all met at Petworth House, National Trust place halfway from Ditchling to Winchester and sat and talked in the gardens until the place closed at 5 o'clock.

I am giving up my car next week so it is good to have a few last drives around the Sussex countryside.

But I have no regrets about deciding to be carless.  

What a shocking state we are in at the moment with MP`s leaving the Tory party after a lifetime and Ken Clark describing the Prime Minister as  `that knockabout character` I can`t think how it is all going to end.   They should all try sitting in some Quaker silence for a bit together to clear their minds

Healthwise, I was relieved to discover that one of the common symptoms of having cancer is fatigue.  I had thought that my habit of lying around on the sofa was pure laziness.

Vicky

29th August

The journey back from Cornwall was fine. There were no raucous hen parties which there well
could have been on a Bank Holiday Friday and no fractious toddlers, It is a beautiful trip over the Tamar bridge and along the beach at Dawlish. Although the temperatures soared over the weekend, it is always cool here at home, so I did not wilt in the heat.
I saw the consultant on Tuesday following my CT scan. She is incredibly tall, slim and beautiful.
It was sort of good news really as though cancer in the liver has spread, the rest of it is about the same, so it may be that I have to send the Christmas cards after all. Oh, bother. I am to have an MRI scan to check out my bones as my mobility is getting very poor/
Tiger has been staying with me. WE intended to go blackberrying and make some jam but we could not find any nearby in the usual places, so she kindly did useful jobs for me instead. She has the most amazing talents: she cleaned out the fridge getting rid of ancient stuff and did the nasty cupboard behind the kitchen door, and then went through all the old photo albums sending the best ones to the people concerned and chucked away loads of others. What a sense of relief to have got rid of a lot more stuff.
I am trying to like green tea and I am making an effort to put turmeric in things as they are supposed to be good for you.
Vicky

I love the light at this time of year.  I went to a good festival called Shambala last weekend, where there is no meat or fish or cows milk or single-use plastic, but lots of partying and fancy dress and good bands and workshops.  I was moved by a play that told the story of a year in the life of a cuckoo, and some women folk singers doing songs from their ancestors, particularly.  An eccentric singer called Alabaster dePlume kept telling the audience they were doing very well, which I thought was nice, as life is so tricky.  
It was lovely to get home and do the washing and put the camping stuff away then sit outside with Vicky by her whispering green trees in Ditchling and chat as I missed her when she was away.  I am terribly mummyish.

22nd August

Vicky is in Cornwall and I won't see her until Monday.  I am so mummified I feel a sense of anxiety, but she assures me she can manage the train home and will be OK.
I stayed on Knepp Estate this week which is a rewilded farm, so there are happy cows, pigs, deer and ponies grazing and frolicking free-range, suckling their young,  and large fields full of fleabane and other weeds.  I swam in a murky pond feeling like a whimsical maiden but was disconcerted to see a large brown rat slipping into it the next day.  I wouldn't have minded if it had been a vole.  Calls of owls and other birds were all around us and the city of Brighton feels especially loud and sordid now.  I am so fond of Brighton but wish that more of England was rewilded.  The Isle of Wight is full of rewilding but no one has thought to call it that, it is more that it has been forgotten.
Josie



I am writing this in Cornwall. I am in John  Betjeman country on the north coast near Trebetheric where he wrote about sand in the sandwiches and wasps in the tea on seaside picnics, and St Enodocs church too and I sat in the churchyard imagining him there 

My dear friends, H and C are such kind and generous hosts and I have a comfortable bed and a friendly bath.  I find. some bathrooms daunting and it is a real treat to be here.

It is bothersome that I now find walking so difficult, so I tend to sit in a sunny spot with a nice view,  also a book, while H. and  C go for a walk with George the dog who was rescued from Serbia and is very lovely.

I haven’t watched any TV or listened to the radio, so I have no idea what Boris and co are up to.     I go back home tomorrow on GWR and hope for the best.    You never know with trains nowadays.

  Vicky

15th August

Back to an empty house and a straggly garden but a certain pleasure in making tasty meals for one and talking to the cat.  The hospital has been intense this week, and the wind and rain batter us as we scamper from ward to ward between buildings.  I lit the wood burner last night and flitted through channels watching The History of Scotland, GPs behind closed doors, and a daft competition programme about interior design. 
I have lots of lavender so have started sewing lavender bags.  I have special needs in sewing, but it calms the mind. 
We have been practising our interpretive dances for the play about Vick's life.  The war, her school days and the hospital. Hopefully, they will cause some amusement, however avant-garde.
Josie


Its a full-time job keeping up with everything health-wise. Hearing aid place on Monday, blood test in the afternoon where I waited for 1.5 hours with magazines dating back to 2015.  Wednesday I had a CT scan where I sat for two hours in the most depressing airless waiting room I have ever been in with a leak on the ceiling.  There was a congenial crowd of fellow patients.  We did not discuss our diseases but chatted about arts and crafts.  There is a visit to outpatients coming up to get the scan results.  It is all go.  
We had the Nibbles and Scribbles today at Waterstones.  We take turns to bring exercises.  Topics today ranged from cows to receipts and being stranded on a desert island.  It always amazes me how different our bits of writing turn out.  
I'm off to Cornwall next week on the train.  Quite an adventure these days.
Vicky

August 10th

Just returned from my spiritual home, the Isle of Wight.  My feet ache as my friend and I walked from our campsite to the ferry today which was exciting in the tornado but it was a long walk of many many miles.  We left our caravans at 8am after a wakeful night in the storm, when I wondered if all the four walls of our caravan would fall down.  We walked through the ancient Brighstone Forest where the noise from the oak trees blowing in the wind was delicious.  We ate lumps of cheese and carrots on the way and saw three hares.  The colours were pale and washed out and we passed through heathland and meadows and coastal paths, where we lost our footing at times in the gale.  We may have glimpsed a nightjar.  We passed tumbledown cabins and beach huts. We felt so tired as we reached Cowes we were beyond words. We barely saw another human on the walk until we stomped past the Pimms tents and stripey jumpers of the Cowes week sailing community. 
Overall the holiday was lovely, with lots of friends and family around, and a typical Darling party on the first day. There was high energy music and dancing but it was all over by eight pm. The Isle of Wight may look sleepy but it can be quite dramatic.  That is one of the reasons I love it so.
Josie


In my list of graduation ceremonies that I did not attend, I omitted my son C's, who got a first at Exeter.  Sorry about that.
I too am back from the epic celebrations on the Island.  Surprisingly we all got there and back safely, despite dodgy cars that sometimes don't start, or stop suddenly and ferries that are inexplicably cancelled.  We had wonderful weather culminating in 74 mph winds at the Needles, not far away from where many family and friends were camping.
I didn't camp but stayed in luxury at The Bugle in Yarmouth.  There were four generations of Darlings present.  I was no longer able to descend the hazardous steps to the beach, so sat like a benign matriarch at the top, surveying my tribe.
Health report;  feeling a bit weak and wishy-washy but Carrying On.
Vicky

31 st July

Vicky and I went to my graduation today.  I kept thinking there may be some mistake and I would never be called up in my gown to shake the Vice Chancellor's hand and I had misunderstood and never quite got a degree at all, but no, it seemed to go ahead.  Our hands got tired with all the clapping other people.  I didn't fall over on the stage either, which was another anxiety.

I enjoyed our coffee and salmon and cucumber sandwich in the Grand Hotel afterwards particularly.  I then went into work, but overall it was a high point to get my certificate.

As I turn 50 soon and start my six-month career break shortly afterwards, I feel a sense of seasons turning and things moving on.  Everything feels symbolic in an ordinary kind of way.
Josie

This morning I went to Josie`s graduation ceremony at the Brighton Centre. She is now a Bachelor of Science in Professional Practice.   Of all my five children, this the first time I have been to one. I do not think any of the others went to their own let alone asking me.  They were at  Exeter, Plymouth, Oxford, Cambridge, Warwick and Newcastle.   I don`t hold it against them. People just didn`t make such a thing of it then I suppose.  So it was a real treat to go today and I found it all very moving.  It was wonderfully well organised considering how many hundreds of people were there,  with a string quartet in the foyer playing Haydn, and kind women helping me find my seat in a disabled place.  Josie looked stunning in her cap and gown.   It is a pity that academic gowns are not more generally worn as they are very flattering to the figure. They make people look dignified and also hide unsightly bulges and odd shapes and even the silly hats look good as they make you stand up straight.

I went to the Hospice again on Friday and had reflexology done by the daughter of a famous  Ditchling resident who is a volunteer, so that was good.    We had storytelling in the morning and poetry in the afternoon.  I am so lucky to go there once a week.

We have a big family get together in the Island this weekend for Josie`s fiftieth birthday, four generations of blooming Darlings.  

Vicky

25th July

Global warming innit.  Heat changes our culture at the hospital despite the heaving ED department and lack of beds.  There is a languid feel and I can't do my normal bustling walk.  Good things about this climate include the washing drying within minutes, and the cat looking floppy.

Got up early today and swam in the sea with my friend.  Now pleased to be in my cool kitchen.  My friend said even the crows have their mouths open.

Our friend has written a play of Vick's life, which he has done beautifully.  We will perform it here in my garden on September 7th at 2 pm.  All invited.  It will include music, poems and interpretive dance.  It is a celebration of an ordinary life, but just as successful to make good jam, as being on the telly, in my opinion.

My family are off to WOMAD festival this weekend, so I will be alone and the house will be very tidy as I am a Virgo.  I have a new Japanese foreign student arriving but I do hope he doesn't suffer from cat anxiety like the last lodger.

Josie

I decided not to risk going to Waterstones in Brighton today for the Nibbles and Scribbles writing group as the doctor on breakfast telly warned that old people were dropping off like flies in the heat and we must stay indoors with windows closed and curtains drawn, drinking gallons of water.

So this morning, my friend Phil came round for a game of Scrabble and I won by getting all my letters out on the last go with a huge score, having been losing up till then. I don`t think that has ever happened to me before.

I had a lovely time at the Hospice last Friday at the Wellbeing Group. I am going again tomorrow. There was an Art discussion in the morning, then a delicious lunch followed by poetry in the afternoon. Everybody there: other inmates, volunteers and staff were so kind and welcoming. I am very lucky that it is only a ten-minute drive from home.

The one and only thing that cheered me up when Boris Johnson made his speech yesterday outside number ten were that he said he would try to improve farm animals welfare. So I am pinning my hopes on that and trying not to think about a No Deal Brexit which will ruin us all.

Vicky

18th July

I have now got my new iPad, and it is a wondrous machine. I am still a bit frightened of it, especially when it asks me questions out loud.
Tiger came to stay at the weekend and gave me instruction.  She was very firm, a good teacher.    She also cleared out all my kitchen cupboards and threw out a great pile of Stuff.  Later I secretly retrieved a bent old saucepan, the only one that makes a reliable white sauce without lumps.    But it is a treat now to see all the pristine cupboards and drawers, even the crumby one that held old unusable kitchen gadgets and rubber bands.     
Healthwise, everyone says "you look extremely well" in a rather accusatory and surprised tone, so I feel I have to invent a few interesting symptoms.
Tomorrow I go to the Wellbeing Centre at the local Hospice for my first session.
Vicky

I find hot weather rather worrying, and am so relieved it is cloudy and damp today.  The fruit from the allotment is thankfully coming to an end, which is like when the Brighton festival comes to an end and I am pleased there is not so much to do any more.  I have a sense of fatigue and am sleeping deeply for about 10 hours a night.  
My friend and I went to an unfriendly folk session last night in the pub where we couldn't keep up with the Trad Irish stuff at all.  We did lead on one Scottish song and I played my violin loudly and badly.  We are going to research all the folk clubs in Brighton in the hope of finding one our standard.  
Josie

13th July

I have had a quiet week after the breast lump drama.  I am glad the sea is down my road to swim in.  Being in the water has always felt like the solution for me, back to an embryonic or pre neanderthal state.  
I am going to look for glow-worms tomorrow night.  And I am looking forward to our Isle of Wight holiday in August.  I always feel timeless in the Isle of Wight.
Working at the hospital in this heat is like swimming through duckweed.
Josie


This morning we went to the Saturday writing group in Hove Library.  I had never been there before.  It is an impressive Victorian building, complete with cupolas, pillars, pediments and echoing galleries.  It has a lovely lively atmosphere which is reassuring as I worry about Public Libraries.
The writing group, twenty men and women, all eager writers, listened to a talk about editing our work.  I wish I had heard her years ago.  It would have helped.  Too late now, but it was good for Josie who is a writer with an original voice, and who has an unpublished novel under her belt.  
Granddaughter Tiger is coming to stay tonight to initiate me to my new Ipad.  I hope she realises she must be strict with me or it will go the way of smartphones and other things of that nature.  I am still the only person left in Sussex with a Nokia phone.
Vicky

11 th July

I have been away in Winchester: seeing old friends, having tasty meals, talking, and talking.  I drove there and back in the rust bucket, my faithful Nissan Micra.  It's a toss-up as to which will last longer; me or the car.  I also went to a splendid 60th wedding anniversary party in the wilds of Dorset, driven there by someone else.  Everybody looked unchanged and remarkably young.  That may have been due to my failing eyesight.
 I came home to find that I couldn't get into my email.  IIt wouldn't accept what I thought was my password.  I battled with it for four days and then Josie solved the problem in an instant 'tho this involved phoning son Toby in Penang; don't ask me why. 
I was invited to the hospice which is quite nearby, and have signed up to go every Friday to the Wellbeing Centre.   I can go to an art group in the morning and a poetry group in the afternoon with a slap-up lunch in between.  I am looking forward to it.
I'm going to make blackcurrant jam now with fruit from Josie's allotment. 
Vicky

5 th July

Last Sunday while watching TV I found a breast lump, so have had a dramatic week planning my funeral as well as Vicks.  I found I was not ready to die.  I am keen to explore Scotland and the Scilly Isles, and possibly even Nepal.  And I'm not keen to leave my people.  I need to be well to look after Vick. 

Thanks to the efficient and wonderful NHS I was seen quickly and had the amazing news yesterday it was just a cyst, and the lump is now gone as it was quickly drained.  My dear friend R and I held hands and wept with relief.  We were on the London Road in Brighton, which is one of the more squalid roads, and it felt like Utopia.  Life feels so intense at the moment, I can hardly stand it.

My allotment is overflowing with fruit and salad.  I have a Turkish lodger who is terrified of the cat.  Most people I know are going to a festival this weekend, and even Vick will not be here.  I aim to lie in the garden and read The Salt Path, a fascinating novel about a homeless couple who go on a very long walk.

Josie